


Shoot the Shaggy Dog

by Sole_Sakuma



Category: Arashi - Fandom, Johnny's Entertainment, Johnny's Jr., KAT-TUN - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Supernatural, Cthulhu Mythos, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-25
Updated: 2010-08-25
Packaged: 2017-10-11 06:09:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/109231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sole_Sakuma/pseuds/Sole_Sakuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Toma is a free agent specialized in supernatural phenomena who has just got a new assignment - to investigate why and how Arashi, the well-known 'archaeologists', ended up stranded in the Himalayas with KAT-TUN, notable demon hunters. But is he ready for the truth?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shoot the Shaggy Dog

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [](http://www.livejournal.com/users/lastingdreams8/profile)[**lastingdreams8**](http://www.livejournal.com/users/lastingdreams8/) for the beta!. Contains references to everything under the sun, mainly to the Lovecraft's Cthulhu Mythos and Doctor Who. There are some lines taken from a Discworld novel.
> 
> This fic was written as a gift for [](http://www.livejournal.com/users/bubbly/profile)[**bubbly**](http://www.livejournal.com/users/bubbly/), for the [](http://www.livejournal.com/users/je_justfriends/profile)[**je_justfriends**](http://www.livejournal.com/users/je_justfriends/) exchange.

  
Toma drank another cup of coffee. It was the twentieth and it tasted of feet and old cabbages– a taste Toma knew perfectly well and it was better if you just didn't ask about it, thank you very much. The stakeout was as boring as that one time Jun took him to the Swedish Fishermen's Film Association Festival and they ended up watching movies about Swedish fishermen for five hours. Jun claimed he had gained new insight in the plight of men and the commonalities that unite us all; Toma could only claim that the sight of fish made him sick for months afterwards.

He grabbed another idol magazine from the passenger's seat and another raspberry muffin. It tasted better than the coffee – or at least it didn't remind him of that damn mission in the tiny little town. Tiny little towns sucked and were more often than not infiltrated by either evil fish cults that worshipped eldritch abominations from beyond time or evil aliens that wanted to eat everybody's pancreas. Or were just populated by old people, who turned out to be evil or mind-controlled or figments of your imagination at the end. And sometimes _you_ were the alien - or the evil fish cultist or the tomato - on the mirror and that's when Toma drew the line. He was no alien. He was just one of the most renowned paranormal agents in the world – well, as renowned as a shady 'no-Government-would-admit-he-exists' free agent could get.

His extremely advanced communication device – or 'phone', for the uninitiated – rang.

'Hi?'

'Go back to your office immediately. We have found Arashi.'

'Wait. They were _lost_?'

Uchi laughed nervously. 'Sorta.'

***

Toma liked his office. It was big enough for one person and it even had windows. The morning sun shone brightly and that made his plants grow healthy and strong. It had a cheery quality that made his job way less depressing.

He opened the door and groaned. His desk was full of boxes and files. It looked like a complicated case, one of those that either make it or break it. Some boxes had big, bold letters that read 'Innsmouth' and were about an extremely strange city where people turned into frogs and worshipped some undersea monsters.

Others were about Dunwich, another creepy town that had been destroyed by 'a giant spaghetti monster'. Toma snorted. This was worse than working with the FBI dude obsessed with aliens.

He hadn't even heard of his employer before – some old US university -, but a huge part of his job involved not asking questions that could get him killed.

He found a sticky note on one of the files. It was obviously Uchi's handwriting and it simply said: _'I'm sorry! I can't handle a bunch of silly Tokyoites.' _

He opened the file and found a hasty summation:

_The facts were these – Arashi went off for a 'holiday' a few weeks ago. Apparently, they ran into the famous ragtag of misfits, otherwise known as KAT-TUN or 'those meddling kids'. Five days later, they were found cuddling for warmth in the Himalayas. Both parties refused to say what went down._

And now it was his job to find out. Fan-fucking-tastic.

***

On the other hand, the fact that it involved Arashi made his job a piece of cake. He knew where to start. Jun was his best friend and they trusted each other. And trust meant something in a world as cutthroat as theirs. He had Jun's back and Jun had his, so it was just a matter of asking, writing the report and then inviting Jun to dinner with the money.

He drove to Jun's apartment. It was a really fancy apartment for someone who pretended to be a broke linguist who specialized in ancient – read: dead and/or supposedly nonexistent – languages. His frequent 'holidays' probably paid for it.

He knocked several times before Jun opened the door, took a glance at him, and closed it again.

'Oh, don't be a kid!' Toma yelled.

Jun's head peaked out the window. 'You're here on official business. I'm not talking.'

Toma was surprised. Usually, after a complex case or a really good heist, Jun called him first. 'Why?'

'Do you even know who's paying you?'

'No. I never know that. Unlike you, I lack a rich daddy who pays for expenses.'

'We have more than reimbursed Sakurai's father's investment.'

'Yeah, because you're stealy stealers who steal. Every bona fide archeologist in the world wants your ass.'

Jun rolled his eyes. 'Look. We can't talk, we made a promise. Sorry.'

A promise? After all these years, suddenly, Jun honored those? Toma remembered the scar that went across his back. That coma a few years ago. Countless sleepless nights and countless break-ins. 'Just one question. You owe me.'

Jun apparently remembered those as well. 'I'll just say two things – it's not the first time we run into those destructive assholes… and last time there were saltshakers involved.'

At least it sounded interesting.

***

Why did his job involve so many seedy establishments? Why weren't these people respectable for a change? There was a reason he always sat with his back towards the wall and those guys personified it.

He parked his car and entered the used cars' dealership. The parking lot was full of old cars and older people. He waved to Mabo, who was sweet-talking some lady, and Nagase, who was talking to some weird green guy who was dressed as an old-fashioned lounge singer. _I thought demons were supposed to hide, damn it. Next thing you know, vampires will want to come out of the coffin._

He went straight into the office and found Joushima snoring loudly. The desk was filled with half-eaten sandwiches and Diet Coke, plus a teddy bear and a fuchsia jacket with polka dots.

Toma shrugged and went to the file drawer. He started going through the files. The stains were suspicious – was that blood, coffee or what? – but the worst part was that they completely lacked any semblance of a sensible system.

'Ew.'

'Hey, it's not our fault.'

He instantly recognized the voice. 'Hello, Taichi-san.'

Taichi sat on the desk. Toma kept rummaging through the files.

'Toma-kun. It's been a long time.'

'I'm sorry. I've been busy.'

'Oh, don't apologize. We know you younglings don't have time for your poor forgotten uncles. Unless you need information.'

Toma smirked. At least you knew where you stood with those guys. 'Yep. Exactly. What can you tell me about…?'

Taichi was polishing his shirt's buttons. 'I have a new car. Well, almost new at least. A modified DeLorean….'

Most of the time, at least. 'I'm not buying it. I can give you the money directly.'

'Why? We are really honest here. I swear.'

'The last car you sold me was _cursed_. It tried to kill me. Twice.'

'Oh. We told you you should have it examined.'

'And I took it to a mechanic. You mean I should have taken it to an exorcist?'

'No, you should have taken it to our associated workshop, idiot.'

'You should've told me that, but you didn't. So at least I deserve the information. For _free_.'

Taichi winced at the word 'free'. 'Okay, okay. But only if you tell your friends about us.'

'Well, if any of them ever needs a cursed car…'

Taichi laughed. 'Come on, tell me what you're working on.'

Toma finally stopped looking at the files and turned back to stare at Taichi. '¨KAT-TUN. What do you know about them? And when have they worked with Arashi?'

'KAT-TUN? The files are under Joshima's jacket there on the desk. And about the Arashi thing… leaving aside the fact that your friends have some odd delusion of grandeur things going on – really, that's a stupid name -, you should talk to our mechanics. The guys were involved, I think. Something about giant saltshakers from another dimension.' He started going through his pockets and then gave Toma a business card. 'That's the place.'

Toma nodded and then turned his attention towards the table. He took the files carefully, but Joushima didn't even move. 'Well, thanks for your help.'

'Hey, aren't you interested in a classic car?' Taichi asked.

Toma ran out of there.

***

Once he was safely back in his car, he opened the files.

They were done in the sloppiest handwriting Toma had ever seen – and he used to work with Yamapi, so he knew sloppy handwriting – but he could understand them, for some reason. Maybe those translator microbes were still working.

_KAT-TUN:_

Have been around for some time. Young and reckless. Like fur coats. Did we say they're reckless? Owe us some TONS of money.

Deal mostly with demons and the like. Like to find ancient talismans.

The members are apparently Kamenashi Kazuya – an unbearable kid, but really cute when drunk, apparently he's the scholar of the team -, Akanishi Jin – pure charisma, can get into anybody's pants, ask Leader about that! -, Tanaka Koki – smarter than he looks, martial arts expert, son of a Shinto priest -, Taguchi Junnosuke – can't be as stupid as he looks, dumb muscle, says he used to be part of the circus -, Ueda Tatsuya – tends to get dressed as a girl for some reason – and finally Nakamuramaru Yuichi – accountant -.

Said they met at college, but highly doubtful. Maybe they met _near_ a college.

Ragtag of misfits. We like them that way. Remind us of a herd of cats.

Toma sighed. As informative as expected. And there weren't even photographs.

***

Toma threw out the pamphlets the green guy had given him – something about karaoke and souls – and stepped out of the car.

The street was empty and there was nobody to be seen. A Shinto temple stood in front of a tiny workshop. It was peaceful, but Toma knew it was probably infested by ghosts.

The workshop was even more suspiciously normal. There was no bell, so he just clapped.

A guy came out, cleaning the grease on his pants. 'Looking for somebody, kid?'

'Eh. Is Sakamoto-san here?'

The guy nodded. 'He's inside working with some damned Impala. Yanks are always so careless…'

'Is it going to take very long?'

'Hm. Yes, probably. Did you need anything _special_?'

'Not today. I just need information. Taichi sent me.'

The guy looked sad, but hopeful. 'We just finished a new batch of really cool anti-werewolves weapons. Do you want to see them?'

'No, thank you… I just need to talk to Sakamoto.'

'He's busy. Just ask me. I'm Nagano, by the way.'

'Eh. What do you know about giant salt-shakers, Arashi and KAT-TUN?'

Nagano rolled his eyes. 'Never again, that's all I know. Those dudes are stupid. When you find something in some weird ruins in the jungle and it looks alien…'

'… leave it there, even if it's shiny. Yeah, I know. Wait. Did Nakai-san teach you that as well?'

Nagano went pale. '_I_ taught him that. The brat has claimed the advice, when the one who can't stay away from bright things has always been him?'

Toma was surprised. Very few people were older than SMAP. Very few people could survive that long in their business. 'You're older than them? But I've never heard of you…'

'My life has been complicated,' he said icily. 'Pertaining to your question, yes, once Tanaka and Aiba came here asking for weapons that could kill heavily armored aliens.'

'Oh. So they were working together? Interesting.'

Nagano shook his head. 'No, they weren't. Matsumoto showed up later, looking ready to kill somebody… well, he always looks like that, but my point was that they were at the verge of killing each other.'

That sounded more like it. Collaborations were rare, mostly because it was hard enough to make the members of each group agree with each other; there was a reason Toma worked alone. So, when it came to negotiate between groups… well, it was easier just to punch them in the face.

'I see. Thanks for your help.'

He turned his back to Nagano. 'But what about the weapons? They're cool! I swear!'

'Maybe next time,' Toma yelled before getting into his car.

***

Toma had run out of leads, so all that was left was to bluff, bluff to the max. He was almost out of gas and his expenses had been cut a lot since that case regarding vampire fish from beyond space, so he simply parked it and went to Sakurai's apartment on foot.

He was about to ring the doorbell when somebody stepped out in a rage. Sakurai came after the guy and then simply stopped cold. 'Toma-kun?'

Toma pointed to the huffing silhouette that was getting into the elevator. 'Was that Oguri?' Sakurai blushed. 'Eh, forget I asked. Look, tell me what happened in Tibet.'

Sakurai leaned against the doorframe. 'Nothing happened. Are we clear?'

Toma got closer to Sakurai's face. 'Okay, guys, why the secrecy? I mean, I couldn't find much on your previous cases with KAT-TUN. Why? What's the deal with those guys?'

Sakurai retreated into his house. 'Stop digging, will you? What happened in Antarctica… I mean, Tibet is none of your business.'

Toma was confused. This was getting even more stupid. 'I won't stop. I want to know. I want the truth.'

Why were they so intent in keeping him out of the loop? Even Jun! What could be so terrible? He knew Arashi always talked about their 'special bond' and their loyalty to each other, but couldn't he get a little bit of it too?

Sakurai put his hand on the door. 'You want to believe as well? Look, I like you. I don't know who's paying you to find out, but really, it's better if nobody knows.'

Toma then got a face full of door.

***

He decided to ditch his car. He could pick it up later.

'Only one place left to go,' he muttered.

Rumour had it that KinKi's was a nice place, if you avoided the drunken brawls. Since everybody was always drunk and it was a hang-out for time travelers, bounty hunters and the general alien population, the best you could hope for was to leave in one piece.

Toma opened the door and immediately ducked. It proved to be a smart move, because then a bottle flew straight towards him and smashed against the wall right above his head. He waved at Erika, but apparently she thought the bottle was enough of a greeting.

He went past her and her jolly bunch – three girls that looked cute in matching outfits and were talking about something called 'Operation Chocolate Disco' and one robot. He spotted the Domoto 'brothers' talking to a blond dude in a fur coat and a scary-looking ninja. A cute girl with a really weird bunny stood next to them.

'Hey!' Toma yelled. Tsuyoshi ignored him, but Koichi apologized to the others and approached him.

'Toma-kun! Let's make this short, because those guys have really urgent business and really powerful friends.' He pointed at the weird trio and Toma nodded. They did look... in a hurry.'So, basically, we don't know what happened, but they might know,' Koichi said, pushing him towards a table.

Toma gasped. KAT-TUN was there, drinking beer and looking menacing… or at least trying to. It was hard to do with six barbarians sitting nearby at the other table, and you were just five young-looking skinny guys.

Koichi pushed him towards them. 'This is my friend. Treat him kindly,' he said and left him there, being stared at.

_Friend._ Right He remembered that one time he had spent three days stranded in a little island with only a devilish English thief - who insisted in groping him - as company just because the Domoto had taken off with the yacht. He had never been so relieved to see a NATO agent show up. Even if the NATO agent was a really pissed-off German dude.

'Hi. I'm Toma. I work for an interested party – University of Miskatonic or something like that – and I need to know—'

One of the guys stood up. 'We're not talking and they can go rot in hell.'

The other four nodded.

'Look. I don't care. I just need to know why you ended up in the Himalayas with Arashi. That's all.'

They all started to leave. One of them – wearing argyle, which was the least badass print on Earth – grabbed him by the arm. 'Stop now. What we saw… it can't be unseen.'

Toma breathed in sharply. 'Wait. Weren't you six?'

The guy let go of his arm. 'Yes, we were. Yet another reason to stop now,' he said before following his mates.

Toma rubbed his sore arm and stood in the middle of the greatest drunken brawl of the century. Business as usual at KinKi's, but not at Toma's.

***

Toma hated duck ponds, because he was sure ducks were evil – and he had seen one turn human once! – but duck ponds were the most inconspicuous place he could think of. He could easily spot at least three different spies and two guys that he wasn't sure were human. He sat on one of the benches and waited.

A few minutes later, a guy with a fake mustache and a trench coat sat next to him.

'To the axeman, all supplicants are the same height,' he said.

'Tsubasa, I know it's you. You know it's me. Cut the crap.'

Tsubasa frantically shook his head. 'To the axeman, all supplicants are the same height.'

Toma sighed. After his fall out with Takki, Tsubasa was simply not the same. Toma hoped he'd never get that paranoid. He had seen his share of betrayal, but he had some really good friends. He remembered Jun's attitude. 'Yet verily, the rose is within the thorn, OK?' he growled.

'The caged whale knows nothing of the mighty deeps,' Tsubasa replied.

Did he get his passwords out of a fantasy novel? If so, a very silly one, to be honest. 'And the ill-built tower trembles mightily at a butterfly's passage, yeah, yeah. Now that we're done, I need answers now. There's one member of KAT-TUN missing. Where is he?'

Tsubasa watched the ducks swim, avoiding Toma's gaze. 'I can't tell you who told me this, but… he has gone off the deep end. Talks about giant jelly blobs and starfish from outer space. And about New England. He talks a lot about going to New England.'

That sounded dangerous. And intriguing. One of his clients - a weird guy with an even weirder name, something like 'John John' or 'Paul Paul' - had once told him that nothing is worse than uncertainty, until you find out the truth. And then you can't forget. _Like reading the Necronomicon_, the guy had said. Toma could only hope it wasn't true.

But who had told Tsubasa? Arashi? 'And where is he now?'

Tsubasa fidgeted on the bench. 'Hm. He might be at an old acquaintance's place.'

Toma rolled his eyes. He should have known. 'Takki's?'

Tsubasa stood up and stared at him. 'Don't say it! They can't find out!'

Toma wanted to laugh, but the look on Tsubasa's eyes stopped him. He had never found out who Tsubasa and Takki worked for, but they sure as hell were some scary bastards.

As he saw Tsubasa, getting lost in the crowds, he wondered what exactly had come between them. They were inseparable once… but things changed, didn't they?

***

So Antarctica, crazy people, and people telling him to stop digging. Toma gulped. This sounded bad. He had heard rumours about the snowy continent. About what had been there. About what was _still_ there.

He still felt he was missing something, though.

He went to find his car. It cost him a fortune in bus fares, but at least his car was safe and he had enough gas to drive back to Jun's place.

He rang the doorbell and Jun let him in this time. 'Hi, Jun.'

There was a half-done crossword on the coffee table and an empty tea cup. A _dirty_ tea cup. Out of character for Jun.

'Hi, Toma.'

'So… I know this is big. I know you only ended up in the Himalayas by chance – maybe an old closet door? Like that time in Florida? With the weird chameleogator? But… if you want me to lie, I want the truth. I _deserve_ the truth.'

'You can't handle the truth,' Jun said with way too much sadness in his voice.

'At least a bit of it. Don't you trust me?' His voice faltered. _Keep it together, you idiot._

Jun grabbed his coat and then Toma's. 'You want the truth? I'll show you the truth. Let's go. But don't say I didn't warn you.'

***

They left the city behind soon enough and then it was the glory of the countryside at night. He could imagine the summer cicadas' melody and the fresh grass. He could take a holiday, couldn't he? Maybe invite Jun and Shun along – even Yamapi. He hadn't seen them in ages.

Jun didn't speak at all during the first hour. He hummed and occasionally burst into bitter laughter, but Toma was used to Jun's erratic behavior when stressed out.

After an hour or so of silence, Jun finally spoke. 'The first time we ran into them was two years ago. We were in this tiny town, Quaramonte City, and somehow, we ran into a group of Japanese tourists. We hit if off. We thought they were college students, but they turned out to be behind the same thing we were.'

Toma nodded. 'So you guys are rivals?'

'Of sorts. I've never seen a more disorganized group in my life, Toma. I know everybody says we are scarily close, but I rather have that instead of the fuzzy loyalty those guys felt. We won that time, but it wasn't over. When we got back to Japan…'

Toma jumped in his seat. 'The saltshakers happened! You had opened a door to a different dimension, hadn't you?'

'How did you find that out?'

Toma smirked. 'You're bad at keeping secrets. Plus, I bought a new anti-werewolf gun.'

Jun hit the steering wheel. 'Those guys… the older you get, the more you blabber.'

'That was the first time, wasn't it?'

'Yeah. Second time they saved our asses, I must admit. Never interrupt a vampire's honeymoon, even if they're sparkling.'

Toma laughed. He had made that mistake once, only the vampires he interrupted were tortured French aristocrats. 'And this time?'

'We were on a job. They turned out to be our partners. It all went downhill once we arrived at the camp. I'll never forget that, Toma. Never.'

'Can I ask…?'

'No. This is as far as I can tell you now.'

***

The house looked positively ancient and slightly disturbing. And when the door opened and Toma found out who the owner was, he realized that it was a perfect match.

'Matchy-san,' he bowed.

The three of them stood in the dark. All lights were off and all windows were closed. He knew Matchy and Jun were whispering, but all he could catch was stuff like _'fish eyes'_ and _'tentacles'_ and _Innsmouth_.

'Why did you bring him here?' somebody sneered.

Jun shrugged and then turned the lights on. He pointed at Toma. 'He's an idiot who wants the truth, I have to stop him.'

The Dude from KAT-TUN huffed. 'He's not a freak show.'

'I know. But I don't want Toma to… you know.'

'Go crazy? Of course, but what about him, then? We can't just parade him around like some cautionary tale? He deserves better than that.'

'I know he doesn't! But… I wouldn't forgive myself if Toma ended up flying to Antarctica and caught up in this mess. I think I can avoid that if I show him…'

'Fuck you. What's the problem if somebody else…? He's a grown-up, he can make his own choices.'

'Look, Kame, if you could go back in time and avoid what happened, you would, wouldn't you?'

'Well, yes but… I don't want him to. He's not a freak show.'

Matchy spoke, 'Just let Toma see him, Kamenashi-kun.'

Kame – so that was him, then – stomped out of the room and then Jun turned off the lights again.

Toma was getting more and more curious. 'Okay, is there going to be green vomit involved?' he asked, but the atmosphere was too heavy for light jokes.

Jun dragged him down the hallway and stopped in front of a mahogany door. 'Go in.'

'You're not coming?'

Jun shook his head. 'I've seen enough.'

Toma saw the moon enter through one of the windows and then he saw Kame get out of the room with a tray on his hands. The food hadn't been touched and Toma caught a glance of a hunched figure inside the room, but Kame closed the door quickly.

He looked haunted. Jun took the tray off his hands. 'Go to sleep, Kame.'

'I don't want to.'

Jun didn't look like he had slept much either, but Toma didn't mention that.

'Look, I can't sleep either but at least I try,' Jun said.

'But what if something happens?'

'There's nothing we can do about it.'

Toma stayed silent. He felt like an intruder. In fact, he very much was.

Kame smiled. 'But at least I can try.'

And then, then it clicked. Innsmouth, New England. Very close to Dunwich. And very, very close to Arkham.

Miskatonic University, home to one of the few copies of the _Necronomicon_.

Guys barricaded in their rooms. Guys who talked on and on about being underwater. Tentacles.

_Fish._.

'Okay, I give up. I don't need to see,' Toma said.

Jun let the tray fall and hugged him. 'It's better this way,' he whispered.

'I'm a sensible man, Jun. If this upsets you guys like this… maybe it's better if I stay out of this. I can spin some lie about the Eye of Argon to the guys at the University.'

Jun smiled. 'Thanks for the trust, Toma.'

Toma laughed. 'You deserve it.'


End file.
